2015: A cliche/reflection/massive indulgence

“Been waiting on change, but I don’t know if its coming.” – Brooke Fraser

If one year ago, you’d told me all that I would go through in the coming 365 days, I would have curled up and sobbed, perhaps laughed that it couldn’t possibly be that bad, but mostly expressed that theres no way in hell I’m capable of withstanding that level of pain. Guess what? I was.

I don’t know about you, but, besides feeling 22, my social media feeds are currently filled with sometimes long, mostly self-indulgent claims of resolution and determination. Well, that and jeering snarky remarks about how resolutions suck, (which they pretty much do).

This divide in social media discourse has made it hard for me to find a way to write on the topic without being just another wanker, thinking they’re so inspirational and wise, talking about their years, past and present.

I wasn’t going to write anything, but considering how excited I am that 2015 has finally taken a hint and fucked off, it seemed appropriate that I muse on what was the most excellent and awful year of my life.

I really, really hated 2015 at times. It was a hard year for not only me, but many people I hold dear.

I faced and continue to battle, some of the biggest challenges of my life thus far. I experienced pain at the hands of people I loved and trusted, and at the mercy of my own body. I’ve had my heart broken more than once, in many of the most painful ways. I lost my dog, one of my best friends.

I hit some points that were so low, I didn’t know they existed, or that I could continue to exist at such low mental altitudes.

But somehow, in spite of the utter shit that  2015 threw in my face, the son-of-a-gun had it in their heart to sheepishly toss me moments throughout the year that were undoubtably some of the most exciting and beautiful of my life.

I have experienced career progress this year that I didn’t know I was capable of. My work earned award nominations and garnered praise from my peers, lecturers, and an audience. As a reward for my hard work, doors have opened for incredible opportunity, and I am working every day to hone my craft further.

I felt my confidence leap and bound ahead of where it once was. Although I may still stumble along the way, I can firmly say I am in the best state I’ve ever been in.

I totally nailed eyeshadow blending, as well as the fine art of makeup, and in the process, found one of the most helpful techniques for dealing with my rampant anxiety I’m yet to find. I also wear black and purple lipstick out of the house regularly, like some kind of adventurous goddess.

I’ve met people who have become the greatest friends to me, and I am lucky to have such a divine selection of the most beautiful humans on this damn planet on my team.

Although it was the toughest twelves months I could’ve imagined, each and every step I took outside of my comfort zone proved to me that I am so much braver than I believe, stronger than I seem, and smarter than I think. 2015 was the year I became a proper, fully fledged adult-person.

I could sit and dwell on the bad things, but theres no point. When I look back on 2015, I can’t help but think of the bad things, but the beautiful things were the most significant of all. I like to think that in the great scheme of my life, I’ll remember those precious moments more than the pains.

If one year ago today, you’d told me all that I would accomplish in the coming 365 days, I would have cried with happiness and utter disbelief, exclaiming that there is no way I’m capable of achieving so much, and to such a high standard.

Guess what?

I did.

And I’m so unbelievably proud of myself.

“A toast to the lessons not yet learned, and to the trials that will teach them.” – Brooke Fraser (again(because there’s no such thing as too much Brooke Fraser))